Recreating Fenway

A friend had an extra ticket for the Red Sox at Fenway last night and invited me along. I hadn't been in a long time and it was fun, even though the Sox lost. The seats weren't great, in the right field grandstand under the upper deck. At some point we got to talking about what you'd need to do to recreate the full experience at home.

First, put some wood slats over the seat on your couch. Also install some arm rests in the middle and make the seats very narrow. Better yet, just swap out the couch for small wooden lawn chairs. You're also going to need to install one row behind you and two rows of seats in front of you.

It's optional, but to fully recreate section 7, install a large vertical metal beam in front of your TV. To get really complicated it should be on a moving platform that blocks the same view on the TV regardless of the camera angle being shown. This also varies by section, but for section 7, the seats should face 90° away from the TV.

Invite strangers over to sit in the extra seats. Instruct them to randomly stand up and down, but only during plays and not between them. Also instruct them to synchronously stand and raise their hands above their head and cheer at random times starting after the 4th inning. About once every other inning have someone walk by you, forcing you to stand to let them by.

The people behind you should be talking most of the time about random things; but not about the game. The person to your left should be sitting with a wide stance for no reason. People on both sides of you should be using the arm rests. At random times you should pass food and money back and forth along the row. Also, people need to walk by in front of the TV at random times. Some of them should have large coolers on top of their head and should be shouting the name of one item from the concessions menu at Fenway. Half of these people should stop to block the view of the TV not covered by the large vertical beam you installed.

This could vary throughout the year, but during July and August turn on the heat and make the room really hot. Make sure the strangers sitting around you have not showered. The room should also smell of stale beer and sausages; you might have to set this up a day ahead of time.

Turn the sound down on your TV. Have one of the strangers announce only the name of the player at bat and of players coming into the game. You'll have to get all the rest of the information about the game visually. Close your eyes during the instant replays of all close plays; you only get to the see the replay of non-controversial ones. Having the sound down should also ensure that you don't know why a coach is arguing with an umpire.

In the middle of the 8th inning, everyone should stand up and sing Sweet Caroline. Then have a third of the strangers stand up and wait in the dining room. When the game ends, have them return and join everyone else in the living room. Everyone should stand up around you and not move for 10 minutes. Then have everyone walk slowly around the house three times. Then, to recreate the experience of getting home via the T, have them all move very slowly into the bathroom or a large closet and stand there very close to you with one arm raised above their head. After 45 minutes, they can all go home.

Every third game, have someone throw a beer on you.